Jealousy
by emzypemzy
Summary: When Morgan befriends another woman Garcia can't help the injustice and jealousy that she feels and she is forced to confront why she is so jealous, especially when all her emotions come to a head after a hellish case.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: My muse disappeared and then reappeared right before I was going to bed last night...I had to write it before I could sleep lol! Probably the first time that's happened in a long while! 4am is faaaar too early (or late :P) to be letting my muse run free, but this time it paid off, although it ended up nowhere near as cheesy as the movie that inspired it's rehab**** :P**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds...although man I wish I did! **

_It had been four months and 13 days that I held my tongue, that I had tried to keep my – some would call it perverse - jealousy under wraps and off of his radar. As each day passed, as the number of times he mentioned her grew, and as the familiarity and intimacy of these mentions increased I felt my control slipping. Felt the mask begin to crack. And as I sat here remembering all the feelings that had welled up in me over that time I knew that the day that it cracked completely was nearer than I had ever wanted it to be._

I had never thought I would be the jealous type, and realistically I have nothing to be jealous of. They are just friends, he stresses and I believe him. Why wouldn't I? I mean, we are best friends after all. Have been for 8 years now. Best friends, nothing more, nothing less. I know him backwards and forwards, as well as he knows me. While she hardly knows him, even now she's still learning that he doesn't drink tea unless its flavoured, although he wouldn't admit that; he takes his coffee black and with sugar, dark and sweet just like him; that when he's down all he needs is a hug and a friend to talk to; and that there are things in his past, horrific things that no child should ever have had to endure and that although they were utterly unfair things to have happened, they have made him the wonderful man he is today.

Maybe that is the issue I have with her, with this new friend of his. (Well part of it anyway – the other part I am not allowing my heart to dwell on at this moment in time, the possible loss of my best friend is too much to deal with on its own never mind the loss of the one man I have loved to the moon and back.) The issue I will let my heart and my mind dwell on is one that some would say is silly. And maybe it is, but right now it is there, it is in my head and I cannot budge it. My worry is that our friendship, our _bond_ has lost its special quality, and therefore appeal to him and sometimes when I lay awake I can't help the tears that fall when I think of what we were and what we could be. Has our banter become boring to him? Has our flirting become mere comments he flings back to appease me? Has he lost in interest?

These questions had never entered my mind before, they hadn't even made it to germination, and yet here they are, racking up like balls in a billiards set up, waiting for the figurative 'white ball' to knock them apart, knock them into chaos. They are causing me to doubt the one relationship that has never wavered, the one relationship that has continued to grow with every passing day and has begun to make me doubt the permanency of it. As he learned more about this new woman, about the woman as lovely as her name suggested – Carmen Bowville – my fears and my perverse jealousy grew.

My fear that he enjoyed the discovery of new people, of new hidden talents and personalities behind the walls people put up, was the driving force behind my feelings. Was our relationship _too comfortable_? Did he feel that there was nothing new to learn? And that this new woman and all her unknown hobbies, secrets and habits were more interesting than boring old me?

Was I being replaced?

That was it. That question hit the proverbial nail on the head. It was the one that had been nagging at my mind and my heart and was slowly pushing and pulling at the cracks on the mask I was trying to keep on. I love him, as a colleague, as a friend, as a best friend, as more than that. I couldn't afford to lose him. My parents had died when I was 18, I lost them. My brothers never tried to find me once I went underground and never tried to contact me since, I had lost them. I didn't think I could handle the loss of the closest thing I had to family; my best friend that I had always wished to be more than that.

I knew I was jealous of this woman coming in and 'taking Derek away' from me in the wishful romantic side of me. That I could not deny, there was no use in trying to. But I had been content with him as my best friend for years now, had resigned myself to the fact that was all we would be. I had accepted it. What had never occurred to me was that someone could replace me in his eyes as his best friend. And Carmen was beginning to look like she could do just that.

As the mentions became more frequent and the information about her shared became more personal I couldn't help the pang in my chest growing. I was no longer as interesting to him. His eyes never got that same intensity when listening to me as they used to, there was a glazed quality sometimes, as if he was merely humouring me. And it hurt more than I could say, more than I would say, much more considering I would never say a word. As much as I wanted to it wasn't my place, I had no right. Derek deserved to be happy. Who was I to butt my nose in where it did not belong because I was jealous. Jealous that someone else could help take his troubles away as I had for so long now, jealous that someone could help him get through the cases and his paperwork where I had been the one to do that before. I was jealous of all the little things, the silly things, and all the way up to the bigger things. Nothing I did could shake this feeling.

It was a perverse sort of jealousy because we still hung out, we still spoke freely, we were still very much friends and I was glad he felt he could to talk to me about anything, that was always a big part of our friendship. But it still stung each time he mentioned her name, every time he shared a story of them. And what was worse was that she was lovely, as lovely as her name suggested and I couldn't hate her for that. Why did she have to be so nice? It wasn't fair.

I worried that one of these days the mask was going to crack too far, far enough for the friend and profiler in him to realise that something was wrong, to realise that I am not wholly happy with the situation. I have gotten extremely good at hiding things that I really do not want people to find, and not just in code either; going underground had helped me learn ways to bury emotions as well. I do not want that day to come when the mask slips too far, because I could not begrudge him any happiness, I would not either. My Chocolate God of Thunder deserves every happiness that would come his way. I would never make him choose, me or her, friendship or more. Because there's a part of me that is scared that I would lose, and, there's also a part that wouldn't be able to live with myself if I won. I would never deliver that kind of ultimatum. Not when its sole reason was my perverse jealousy over a man that surely can have more than one strong bonded friendship in his life. I just had to try and remember that.

_I could put it partly down to PMS-ing and partly down to having a bad day, after just finishing off an even worse case. Whatever the reason, emotions were running high that day and when he came into my office and said those words that I had grown so used to hearing after the last four months – _"Carmen said_" – I snapped. It was the first time I had ever snapped at him quite so harshly face-to-face, or at all for that matter._

"_Just what the blooming heck did your _precious_ Carmen say now then, eh?!" I almost snarled before I even had a chance to take in his slightly lowered posture and his twisting hands. If I had taken a second to notice these tell-tale traits, I would have realised that my best friend was nervous and maybe then I would have realised that it was something big he was about to tell me. After all, Derek Morgan was very rarely nervous, whether being faced with the Ice Queen herself or staring down the barrel of a gun he never wavered for a second. And yet here he was in my office, nervous as I had only seen him once before – when he first came to see me after the abuse came out – and I was too blinded by my jealousy to notice._


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds...but man I wish I did! **

_I could put it partly down to PMS-ing and partly down to having a bad day, after just finishing off an even worse case. Whatever the reason, emotions were running high that day and when he came into my office and said those words that I had grown so used to hearing after the last four months – _"Carmen said_" – I snapped. It was the first time I had ever snapped at him quite so harshly face to face, or at all for that matter._

"_Just what the blooming heck did your _precious_ Carmen say now then, eh?!" I almost snarled before I even had a chance to take in his slightly lowered posture and his twisting hands. If I had taken a second to notice these tell tale traits, I would have realised that my best friend was nervous and maybe then I would have realised that it was something big he was about to tell me. After all, Derek Morgan was very rarely nervous, whether being faced with the Ice Queen herself or staring down the barrel of a gun he never wavered for a second. And yet here he was in my office, nervous as I had only seen him once before – when he first came to see me after the abuse came out – and I was too blinded by my weird sense of jealousy to notice._

He looked startled. That was the first thing I noticed after my vision had cleared of the red I had seen at her name once again being flung at me so casually. My anger dissipated as quickly as it has formed and my brows furrowed: I knew that I never spoke to him like that before, be surely I hadn't actually frightened him?

I began to apologise, worry creeping in now at his expression. "I'm sorry Handsome, it's been a bad day and an even worse week." I said somewhat sheepishly, as much as I was jealous of his new found friendship I didn't want to lose what semblance of one we had left because I had let things get to me.

"I-it's ok." He said and I realised that he was nervous, Derek Morgan was nervous, around _me_. What was going on? My first evil thought was that he was now 'with' Carmen and I scrunched my nose up at the thought, I didn't want to know if that was what he had come here to say.

"If you're here to tell me that you and Carmen are an item Derek then I don't want to hear it, as much as I love you I just can't talk about that right now, not after the week I've had." I said, the mask I had shielded myself behind now officially on the floor in tatters. The proverbial white ball had just knocked my world into chaos.

"I'm not." He said simply, his voice still not with his usual confident air. "I am here _because of_ her though." He continued and I groaned to myself, I really didn't want to know this.

"How could you possibly be here _because of_ her then Derek, do tell?" I demanded, my jealousy and anger resurfacing slightly.

"Because she let me talk to her about something important-"

"And I didn't? Don't even _try_ and say that Derek Morgan or I'll-" He stopped me mid rant.

"I wouldn't dream of it Baby Girl. You see, I needed someone to talk to, someone who wasn't you." He said and his eyes were pleading with me to listen, so I did. If he wanted to talk so be it, and afterwards if I wanted to yell at him, I was blooming well going to. "I needed an outsider's opinion, a consultant of sorts before I dove in head first and she, well, she provided that without me even asking. She helped me get to where I am now."

I went to interrupt him with some sort of words to hurry him on to the point - I didn't want to hear how amazing Carmen had been – but he stopped me with another pleading, almost puppy dog look.

"I needed a second opinion, you see, because I wanted to do something for a long time and I didn't know how it would go down, how it would be received." He was being cryptic and I hated it when Morgan was cryptic – he was a hard enough man to understand sometimes as it was.

"Uh huh." I tried to prod him on when he seemed to be watching me for my reaction instead of explaining. How did he expect me to be reacting when I didn't know what he was saying? Men.

"Uh- Garcia- Pen, what I'm trying to say is that I-I was wondering if you wanted to maybe get some dinner with me sometime..?" At my somewhere between shocked and confused look he continued. "As...um...a date?" He finished off, his hand going around rubbing over his head, one of his other nervous tells. Derek Morgan was nervous, _of_ _me_.

As that realisation dawned, it also began to sink in that my best friend, the man I had been mooning over for years now had just asked me out, and I was still staring blankly at him. Oh that couldn't be good. I was about to answer from my heart on instinct when my brain kicked in once more.

"But what about you and Carmen?" I demanded, somewhat more harshly than I had meant to.

"Just friends, sweetness, I told you."

"But you made me so- urgh. You are an infuriating man Derek Morgan! You've been so preoccupied when we've been hanging out, if it wasn't in fact because you and Carmen were becoming nearer and nearer to becoming an item then what was it?" I asked, my mind not catching up to my heart just yet.

"Baby Girl," He said with a soft laugh. "Did you not hear my question?" I nodded slowly and he saw the realisation dawn in my eyes, I froze. "I want to go out with _you_ Gorgeous, I want to wine you and dine you and sweep you off your Jimmy Choo clad feet." He said, a smile creeping on to his face.

"B-but what was all the- but you and her were- oh my head hurts." I said rather dramatically as all of my thoughts tried to vocalise themselves at once.

"You are such a drama queen mamma." He teased with a smile, kneeling in front of me, tucking an errant curl behind my ear before feeling my temperature, ever diligent in his 'duty' as my Knight in dark armour. I was glad of the joke as it allowed my head to clear for a moment despite his proximity, Morgan and I had been closer than this over the years and I had managed to breath just fine, how come it was a struggle to do that and think now? Men. Or rather, _Morgan_. I thought exasperatedly.

Our eyes met as he spoke softly: "No fever, you're just working that brain of yours too hard Goddess, I know you're All Knowing, but remember even Goddesses need a rest." He said, his voice full of care and worry. We were silent for a moment after that, each trying to read the others' gaze. After a long moment he brushed another curl out of my face gently and the look in his eye told me he was going to kiss me, and I wanted nothing more than –

"But why did you always look like you were somewhere else whenever we spoke? You always seemed to be off in LaLa Land. Was I no longer interesting to you?" I asked on a rush of breath before his lips descended.

He pushed himself back on to his heels and looked to the ground for a second before his eyes met mine again. This time they were darker, as if filled with his raw emotion, and if I looked closely enough I wouldn't have been surprised if I could see into his soul – his gaze was that powerful.

"Because I wanted you." He said simply, no hint of embarrassment or bashfulness, his usual determination and confidence back in place. I was being treated to Derek Morgan at his best and I was speechless. "Because every time I was there I wanted to tell you that I couldn't stand being 'just friends' any longer, that I wanted us to be more - because believe me honey I think we could be _fantastic_ together; because every day you wore one of those low cut tops that drove me halfway to mad and each time you spoke or smiled I wanted to know what it would be like to kiss you. And not the little pecks we're used to mamma, I wanted hot kisses and wet kisses that would drive each other insane and I could hardly stand not telling you this _every single time_ it was just the two of us, but I wasn't ready. I was scared."

"So you were like that because you were _distracted_ by _me_?" I asked again, cocking and eyebrow at him as my lips curled up into a massive 100 watt smile.

"Yes, Baby Girl, by you. You really know how to drive a man wild." He said, his thumb brushing over my cheek softly.

"And I didn't even know I was doing a thing. Imagine what I could do if I put my mind to it." I replied with a wink. He groaned in response and I don't think I had ever felt more wanted, more _alive_ as I did in that moment.

His lips descended on mine in an instant; he gave me a toe curling, fireworks-behind-the-eyelids inducing kiss that showed me just how long he had wanted this for. And if I was any judge then it had been as long as I had wanted it too.

_That night, lying in bed, my thoughts filled with delicious Derek Morgan kisses, I knew that my perverse sense of jealousy was all because I couldn't bear to lose the man who had helped to make me the woman that I am today. I knew now that there was never any need for jealousy, for envy, because my best friend would never and could never replace me. I would always hold that special place in his heart and now, I knew just where it was I couldn't help but smile into the darkness of the room: I had finally gotten the man of dreams and it was all down to Carmen Bowville. I had an apology to make. But right now I was going to roll over into the clothed arms of my Chocolate God and just enjoy the fact that he was there, that there was now an "us" and that nobody could _ever _replace what we had. I should never have doubted it to begin with._

_Jealousy really is the worst emotion, it wrecks things it shouldn't have a patch on, but it's no longer going to be doing that to me, to us._

**A/N: Thanks for the lovely reviews before :) I know most of you wanted this to go on for longer but this was what the muse came up with and I did try make it longer but it wasn't for happening. Lemme know what you thought :)**


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